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I'm shaking. I'm fucking shaking. I never wanted to breed with anyone more than I want to with Paul Blart. That perfect, curvy body. Those bountiful lumps. The segway skills of a literal god. It honestly fucking hurts knowing that I'll never mate with him, have him pass his genes through me, and have me birth a set of perfect offspring. I'd do fucking ANYTHING for the chance for Paul Blart to get me pregnant. A N Y T H I N G. And the fact that I can't is quite honestly too much to fucking bear. Why would Kevin James create something so perfect? To fucking tantalize us? Fucking laugh in our faces?! Honestly, I just fucking can't anymore. Fuck.

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